I’m lonely 2

I want to scream.  I want to say, “I’m lonely.”  But I must suffer alone, it seems.  My fingers rip at my skin, leaving it burning, prickling.  If only, oh, if only they would understand.  The fear I feel is not fear of the dark, but fear of the madness that lurks within.  I need a little bit of hope, a pinprick of light to burst through this terrifying cover of darkness.  These thoughts in my head aren’t mine.  They are not voices, just angry, hateful thoughts.  I don’t want to tell anyone, they will just worry.  I’m lonely.  I’m lonely.  I’m lonely.  I’M LONELY!  Screams my mind.  I can’t help these thoughts.  They are happening more frequently now, but I must pretend I do not have them.  Must pretend everything is okay.  I don’t want anyone to worry about me.  I’m not worthy of their worry.  I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t help.  If anything, it makes everything ten times worse.  Tears won’t come, which makes me suffer more.  I’m lonely.  I must be suffering for a sin I have committed.  I don’t want to suffer.  I just want to tear myself apart.  It would probably be better for everyone.  I’m useless.  Useless.  Useless and lonely.  Help me.  Save me from myself.  That’s what I would say if I could.  But how could I tell anyone?  I’m weak.  So worthless.  I can’t describe the deepness of what I’m feeling, nor how terrifyingly real it is.  It is anger, fear, frustration, hate, sadness, self-pity, hopelessness, loneliness.  Depression?  Maybe so.  Maybe everything would be easier if I just ended.  But maybe that’s just selfish.  I must continue living, even if it is full of empty sadness, for those I love.  Maybe this is what it means when they say that love is the ultimate sacrifice?  But whatever it is, I’m lonely.

One Response to “I’m lonely 2”

  1. So deep – so real…

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